Level · Major image-distorting
Splitting: the defense mechanism, with examples
Splitting is a defense mechanism in which people, yourself included, are experienced as all good or all bad, with nothing in between. A friend is wonderful until they disappoint you, and then they are entirely untrustworthy. Splitting avoids the discomfort of holding mixed feelings about the same person.
What it protects you from
The anxiety of loving someone and being hurt by them at the same time.
Examples of Splitting
With a partner
At first your partner was perfect. After one forgotten anniversary, you feel you never really knew them.
At work
A new manager is brilliant for three months, then useless after a single piece of criticism.
About yourself
One mistake and you’re a complete failure; one compliment and you’re on top of the world.
In the family
One parent was the good one and the other the villain, and the story hasn’t changed in thirty years.
Splitting, step by step
One moment, traced link by link. The defense is the step that keeps the rest out of view.
The moment
A close friend cancels your plans for the second time.
- 01 · AttentionThe cancellation message, and how short it is.
- 02 · InterpretationThey never really cared. Everything before was fake.
- 03 · EmotionHurt, flipping into contempt.
- 04 · BodyA drop in the stomach, then a cold hardening.
- 05 · DefenseSplitting: the whole friendship is re-filed as bad.
- 06 · Root beliefPeople who love me will eventually leave me.
- 07 · ActionYou stop replying and tell others the friendship is over.
How it feels in the body
Splitting often comes with fast swings: a warm rush of idealization, then a sudden drop or a cold hardening when the same person disappoints you. People sometimes describe it as a switch being flipped.
The beliefs it often protects
- If someone hurts me, they never cared.
- People are either safe or dangerous.
- If I’m not perfect, I’m worthless.
How it differs
- Projection
- Projection places a disowned feeling in another person. Splitting arranges people into extremes, and projection often fills in the all-bad side.
- Denial
- In splitting, the parts of a person that don’t fit the current verdict are ignored for a while. It works like denial aimed at half of someone.
Mature or immature?
Level · Major image-distorting
Grossly distort the picture of yourself or of other people.
The DSM-IV Defensive Functioning Scale puts splitting at the major image-distorting level, because it substantially distorts how you see yourself and others. Psychoanalytic writers, Otto Kernberg among them, linked it to borderline personality organization, but under stress almost anyone can split. It is costly in close relationships, which ask you to hold love and disappointment at once.
Questions to notice it in yourself
Not a test. Answer for one specific moment, not for your life in general.
- Who in my life has gone from hero to villain?
- Can I name one good and one bad thing about the person I’m angry with?
- Do I judge myself in all-or-nothing terms?
- What would “both” feel like here?
Common questions
- What is an example of splitting?
- Someone idealizes a new partner as perfect, then after one disappointment sees them as entirely cruel. The partner hasn’t changed; the mixed reality has been sorted into one extreme.
- Is splitting only a symptom of borderline personality disorder?
- No. Splitting is associated with borderline personality disorder, but many people split under stress, especially in close relationships. Splitting now and then is not a diagnosis.
- How do you stop splitting?
- Practice holding both. When someone feels all bad, deliberately name one thing that doesn’t fit. Slowing down before acting on a sudden verdict, such as ending a relationship, gives the mixed picture time to come back.
Related defense mechanisms
Disavowal
ProjectionProjection is a defense mechanism in which you see your own unacceptable feelings, wishes or traits in someone else instead of in yourself.Disavowal
DenialDenial is a defense mechanism in which you refuse to acknowledge a fact or feeling that is too painful to take in, even when the evidence is plain.Mental inhibitions
Reaction formationReaction formation is a defense mechanism in which you replace an unacceptable feeling with its exaggerated opposite.Sources
- Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism. New York: Jason Aronson.
- American Psychiatric Association (2000). Defensive Functioning Scale. In Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed., text rev. (DSM-IV-TR), Appendix B.
- Vaillant, G. E. (1992). Ego Mechanisms of Defense: A Guide for Clinicians and Researchers. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press.
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